Insert creative title here

So, here I am beginning yet another blog. I'm not even sure why this blogging desire creeps up every now and then when I know very well that the odds predict I will more than likely abandon it after a few posts. We'll see. And then there's that whole come-up-with-a-snazzy-blog-title thing that drives me crazy. Once you've named umpteen blogs (that you never kept up with), the creative well begins to dry up just a bit.

Esse quam videri. Latin (obviously). Classic. It means "to be rather than to seem to be." Also, nicely enough, it's North Carolina's state motto. Fitting for me, I guess. I am at a sort of crossroads in my life, I think. What a cliché, but it is what it is, and I can't figure out what else to call it. I don't know if you (if there's even a "you" reading this) have ever reached a point where you feel so jumbled up and so...chaotic inside that you feel like it's going to burst forth into a HUGE mess that you just won't have the energy to clean up, but I'm there. I am there. I think I've spent the better part of my life searching for a way to put order to my inside self, but I don't think I can. What am I to do with this mess that's me? The only thing I know to do is to write.

I don't care if anyone ever reads this. I just need to...process. Or attempt to process, anyway.

I have even wondered, even recently, if there's something wrong with me. I don't know if there is or not. I'm inclined to believe that, at the end of the day, the only thing wrong with me is me.

Gerry will be home from Boston in about an hour. It was nice having the bed to myself, but I've missed him. I will readily admit that I can entertain thoughts that are a bit on the morbid side, and I've wondered how I would handle him dying in a plane crash. Oddly enough, I haven't been in fear about it. I haven't really worried about it. It's just a curious thought I've had since he got on the plane on Thursday. I don't know what I would do. I guess I'd just go on living. Then I think to myself about all the times we've said goodbye to each other......going to the store, leaving for work, whatever. And I think about how not one single goodbye would be adequate if something did happen to him. Then I think about all the times when I don't say "I love you" just out of some stupid, spiteful reason. I know we hear all the time about telling your loved ones that you love them, to always be sure there aren't things left unsaid. We can all agree on that, I think. "Yeah, that's right. You never know when your last moment will be." You see in movies all the time some woman sobbing, "But I didn't get to tell him how much I love him..." And then I think to myself, "What is it going to take for me to get to the point where I really get this?" I want to move from point A (knowing cerebrally what I need to say and do) to point B (actually saying and doing it because it's within my heart to do so). Surely there is someone out there who has arrived at point B. I'm just not there yet, but I want to be. I really do.

In a few minutes, I'm going to order a pizza so that I can pick it up on my way to get Gerry at the airport. And you know what? It's not because I know Gerry likes pizza. It's honestly because I'm too lazy to cook supper. I do not want to. Here I am, just talking about getting from one point to another, but I will not resolve to make supper for my husband who's been gone all weekend because I just don't feel like it.

I can't imagine anyone thinking that I'm anything but a "good wife." Bless his sweet heart, even Gerry would insist I'm a "great wife." The truth is that I am not. I'm not. I am not a great wife. I am not a good wife. I'm not even really an average wife. I'm a selfish wife. I'm a lazy wife. I'm a wife who puts herself first. I'm sure I seem otherwise. Hence the super-creative title of this blog. I don't want to seem like anything anymore. I want to be those things.

But, you know what? I'm still going to order a pizza.